FALLING IN LOVE
It was love that brought me to Los Angeles in 2006, but not the way you think. Ok, yes, it was what you think, but not really. Love was the catalyst for me moving from San Francisco to L.A. But I was already actively looking for my next step, feeling a desire to expand, when I was introduced to someone whom I came to fall head over heals for. Being an innocent, or fairly innocent business woman and entrepreneur from Sweden, it was like catnip. Impossible not to pursue. On a deeper level, I was ready for an inner make-over. During the five years I had lived in San Francisco, a whole new me was emerging and I was hungry for more. I wanted to break free from ‘Business-Lotta’ and become a yoga-teaching artist of sorts, explore my creativity and spirituality, teach leadership to top executives in Hollywood – with the belief that I could transform the story-factory of the world, and become someone new and better. Shinier.
BEING WITH ‘THE COOL KIDS’
It worked. Sort of. Not the love-part, but the intensity of the emotions opened up a whole new universe for me, and so did the invitation to enter into his world. Suddenly, I was hanging out with ‘the cool kids’, with which I always had had a complicated relationship. But these people were different, I thought. They were artists, creators, and they moved through the world with an effortless ease, partially because of their looks, partially because of their upbeat take on life, partially because they were part of the L.A. creatives’ scene with the never-ending pool parties. But not the boring ones with the drugged out models. Instead, the eclectic ones with wigs, burning-man inspired set-ups, great funky DJs, and a strong community of people who chose to pursue a different path. I felt as if I could let out my inner child to play, and while I still didn’t fit in, I had more fun initially than I had ever had before.
I believe that is one of the reasons why L.A. is so attractive for so many. It’s not only the patina of glamour that Hollywood lends. The sense of promise can be found in most nooks and crannies in the rest of L.A. A promise and permission to be yourself, especially an idealized version of yourself. If you stay out of Hollywood, L.A. can be incredibly non-judgmental. Indeed, almost anything goes, coupled with a deep curiosity and a lust for life. People come to L.A. to become someone or something. It is the city of dreams and opportunities, a haven for creatives, and a mecca for those who want an audience. Unless, of course, you are a paperless immigrant, homeless or one of the many heart-broken dreamers leaving Hollywood on Greyhound buses every week. But even for many of them, it’s a never-ending seduction. In some ways, it is very much like the Eagles’ song ‘Hotel California’. “You can check out anytime you like, but you can never leave.” So you stay, and while you are in sync with all the ‘cool stuff’, even if you are 85 years old, like one of my neighbors, Johanna, a sweet woman with a lot of spunk, yet completely focused on her looks, you wake up one day and realize that you are in fact 85 years old. Despite all the cosmetic surgeries and all the green drinks time didn’t stand still, and you never even managed to exit the hotel lobby. Very few places on earth manage to create that type of seduction-vortex.
BECOMING AN ARTIST
A few years in, I had landed a bit more, found more grounded people and like-minded friends to hang out with and I had become a singer, a dream that I had never even dared to believe in as a child. I was performing at venues in Hollywood, which made me want to pinch my arm. I was exploring other creative avenues as well, and I was discovering myself on the inside, following a series of spiritual awakenings that took me on the now mandatory Ashram-trek to India coupled with shamanic journeys. Work-wise, I did end up coaching powerful executives in Hollywood. But the more I saw, the more disillusioned I got. The inside of Hollywood is more like a fiefdom with dated views of management and of women. Things are slowly changing, mostly because the distribution game has upended the seat of power, but the belief that I could, or wanted to be part of changing that world, disappeared. Yet I still didn’t feel done. I had started writing extensively in English, and I finished a book, a biography and a self-development book, which I ended up not publishing, due to concerns of people who might get hurt in the process.
A RETURN TO THE BUSINESS WORLD
Feeling a hunger for reentering the business world, I decided to create a global investment fund for women entrepreneurs together with my own training model for entrepreneurial leadership attached to it. It was a great time meeting amazing people who were all about ‘conscious money’, especially in the Bay Area and together with a friend and partner, we were able to get far in the process. I also joined the woman’s leadership organization 85 Broads (now Ellevate) and shared leadership of the SoCal Chapter with two other women. In 2010, I stepped up as the President of the Swedish-American Chamber of Commerce in Los Angeles, focusing on the creative industries in L.A. I sought a reconnection with my Swedish roots, to ‘normalcy’ and to put my leadership theories into practice. While pursuing the restructuring of an organization hovering close to bankruptcy, unpaid, I did learn a lot and together with a great group of people we did turn it around, but I was exhausted. I ended up not continuing with the investment fund due to the many restrictions in fundraising, and because of the realization that it was still the learning/training aspect that fueled me the most.
THE VIDEO-GAME WITH BIOFEEDBACK
Instead, I moved my focus to creating a video-game, using storytelling, biofeedback (deep breathing) and a way of teaching the leadership model I had developed through video-games. I partnered up with a wonderful colleague and we fund-raised from venture capitalists, built business models, met more investors, learned the inns and outs of how to create a successful video-game, and the world of sensor-technology. It took us to the first offer of $250.000 in funding, but in a joint decision we turned it down, since it came with too many catches. The more we met with Venture Capitalists, the more I felt a deja-vu over what I had already done back in Sweden, namely living in a VC-based reality. When I realized that nothing had changed since my last VC-funded adventure in Sweden more than a decade earlier, I decided that instead of trying to fight the system in order to get ‘chosen’, or attempt to change it, I’ll do it on my own terms. Starting with what I have control over, and a love for, namely writing.
FANTASY WRITING & THE LOVE AFFAIR STARTS CRUMBLING
So while I still want to build the video-game; I believe in game-mechanics as a superior learning device, especially coupled with biofeedback, I decided to pursue the most fun part of it, namely to create the world around the game through fantasy-writing. The more positive reinforcement I got from producers and writers in Hollywood regarding my storyline and writing (in English, my second language, which made me want to pinch my other arm), the more I realized that that would be my ‘in’. The writing itself would be the way of creating enough Intellectual Property leverage for negotiating with investors, if I would need them at all. When that message started to sink in, it felt as if I were waking up, questioning for the first time my choice of living in L.A. In July, 2014, after participating in a writing workshop with professional writers in Hollywood Hills, a workshop that made me happier than I had been in a long time, I drove home that night, crystal clear that I was ready to move. I had learned what I came for.
It has taken me few more months to land in that decision, to find out where I want to go, and how I can enable the development of extraordinary leaders and a more sacred form of doing business, while reviving another project AND keep on writing in order to publish the first book from the game-world. Now, it feels very clear why I came here. It was a self-discovery tour, a creative revelation, an entrepreneurial journey and an existential & spiritual make-over, all of which, thankfully, only took nine years. I have no idea if Seattle is the end-game, but I do know that it’s calling me, maybe it’s the same guidance that prompted me to pack my bags and leave for L.A., and for that matter, the U.S. A couple of the new things I intend to embark on creatively is to learn how to play the guitar, with the intent of being able to do some singing-song-writing – and I want to do some improv again, which terrifies me, in a good way. I’m incredibly grateful for everything I’ve learned, and all the amazing friends I’ve met along the path, those who are born in L.A. and those who come from across the world, all of whom that have made L.A. their home. They have taught me so much about life, and about embracing it all, creatively and spiritually. Seeing the starry-eyed expressions of the people fresh of the boat here, Swedes and other nationalities, as well as East-Coasters tired of the snow, their eyes blinking in unison with the lamps on the giant billboards, I salute them all, wishing them happy dream-fulfillment. Yet, I know that I won’t come back and live here again, even though I will visit friends and keep working with clients and creative projects in L.A. So while the physical L.A.-love affair is ending, I’m carrying my love for the creative and the entrepreneurial with me, both expressions of life that are closely related to the soul. Or rather, I believe they are pure expressions of soul. I will pay that forward and continue down the rabbit hole, how far, and wherever, it takes me.
Love & Peace
Lotta Alsén, April 23, 2015